Disciple-making in a one-on-one context is a constant study and practice for me. What follows here are key lessons learned in my pursuit of the discipline of discipling a brother in Christ in a one-on-one setting.
1. I must first be a disciple myself.
If I fail to put myself daily under the Lordship of Christ Jesus, constantly recognizing my own desperate need for Him to change me, then I've no business trying to lead a younger spiritual brother in the same endeavor. With my pursuit of Christ comes the humility that will be so crucial to my personal growth in Him. I am forever a student-follower of Jesus, so I am first a foremost a disciple who commits himself to demonstrating humility and transparency. It is this mindset which is most crucial in discipling a brother one-on-one.
2. I must establish a friendship with the man who would be my disciple.
Recommendation or rebuke apart from relationship will quickly end any one-on-one discipling endeavor. This is why the selection of a disciple should mirror the aspects of Christian friendship. My disciple is not my patient or client. He must first and foremost be my friend, otherwise anything I say to him will be only as a doctor dispensing a prescription rather than a trusted confidant enacting a spiritual transfer of knowledge and experience. This means I must decide to commit time to him even outside of our set meeting time each week (see below for practicals on meeting times). Whether it is a short text or email message, a phone call, a lunch, a dinner in my home with my family, or perhaps a weekend of camping together, I must look for ways to build a friendship with my disciple. This will be a constant and continual process. Choose to love your way into this man's world. And open your world to him.
3. Based on my disciple's needs, I select books and resources to help him grow in Christ.
No two people are the same. It therefore stands that no two disciples are the same. One man's needs may not be another's. One man may need help growing as a called pastor. Another requires help in the disciplines of the spiritual life. Yet another seeks guidance because of a particular sin struggle. And your disciple may have all of the above. Either way, it is crucial to know the personality and spiritual standing of your disciple before launching headlong into a stodgy curriculum. Disciple-making is organic, not mechanic.
Because of this I usually tell any man I'm discipling my full testimony, all the good, bad, and ugly and how Christ rescued and rescues me from it all. I then invite him to tell me his at our next meeting, again, with the focus being on Jesus Christ's work in our lives. This teaches testimony-telling and models a Christ-centered example of sharing one's story. It also establishes trust, friendship, and will help you understand the story in which your disciple has lived and is living. Testimonies may take two sessions together or more. Time is a luxury you should afford yourself at the outset.
Another helpful tool I use within the first three meetings together to help me know areas in which to mentor is the Myers-Brigs personality assessment. This helps me know how my own personality interacts with that of my disciple as well as helping me recognize any potential tendencies or propensities on his part. You can find the assessment here.
4. Meetings should be consistent, intentional, prayerful, and full of Scripture.
A weekly meeting is strongly recommended, allowing at least two hours of time to meet together. Though it may not always run as long as that and may possibly at times run longer, try to pick a time for you both that is fairly open if the Holy Spirit moves. The importance of meeting weekly (with outside times to get together to "hang out") relays a sense of commitment on your part and also teaches your disciple responsibility, while providing stability. Men do not open up if they do not feel safe. A consistent meeting establishes the necessary security for the relationship to flourish. I prefer to disciple men either at my home office or church office, as these are secluded spots allowing for freedom in conversation and prayer. And it makes the statement that I'm letting them into my world.
The meeting must always be intentional. Make it known that the commonalities and interests between you can be discussed at one of the other outside times, but the time spent together each week is for spiritual growth. As the lead discipler, you set the agenda based on the spiritual needs of your disciple. It is imperative that purposeful connection through discussion and Christian brotherhood be the center of the discipleship.
Pray before each session privately. Pray God uses the time wisely and guides you and the disciple. Pray together before the session starts. Pray together, sharing prayer requests, at the close of each session. Corporate prayer bonds believers. It must be a constant and important part of your time together.
Scripture must be a part of all you do. Whether it is correction, rebuking, or training, the Word of God must be at the center. If it is a rebuke, then it must be one using Scripture. Same with correction. If it is training, even if another book of Christian literature is being used, it must be lashed to Scriptural principles. Talk with one another about the Bible reading you are experiencing. Memorize Scripture together each week. These are non-negotiables for the disciple and the discipled.
5. Durations of Discipleship Vary
I may disciple one man for six months. Another for two years. Again, no two discipling relationships will look the same. Ask God to guide you in knowing when it is time to release your disciple. You will sense the Holy Spirit telling you it is time to release this man to go make other disicples. But also be open to Him directing you to go deeper and perhaps for a longer duration. The Lord is Master of your discipling relationship. It is He who calls the shots, not you. So it is He who will tell you both when the parting must take place.
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In closing, this has been but a brief summation of my approach to one-on-one discipleship. I, like you, will be forever a student in this discipline.
-jsm-
