To Men of Faith Who Serve In the Shadow of Others

Charles Spurgeon's great devotional work, Morning by Morning, gives this word to you healers, counselors, teachers, mentors, and pastors who are "hindmost in honor and esteem" just as the Danites of ancient Israel. In a great sense, Spurgeon's insightful words here define the work of a discipler. This short devotion has ministered to me on countless occasions and I commend it to you, dear Reader. ---jsm-

“They shall go hindmost with their standards.”

Numbers 2:31

The camp of Dan brought up the rear when the armies of Israel were on the march. The Danites occupied the hindmost place, but what mattered the position, since they were as truly part of the host as were the foremost tribes; they followed the same fiery cloudy pillar, they ate of the same manna, drank of the same spiritual rock, and journeyed to the same inheritance. Come, my heart, cheer up, though last and least; it is thy privilege to be in the army, and to fare as they fare who lead the van. Some one must be hindmost in honour and esteem, some one must do menial work for Jesus, and why should not I? In a poor village, among an ignorant peasantry; or in a back street, among degraded sinners, I will work on, and “go hindmost with my standard.”

The Danites occupied a very useful place. Stragglers have to be picked up upon the march, and lost property has to be gathered from the field. Fiery spirits may dash forward over untrodden paths to learn fresh truth, and win more souls to Jesus; but some of a more conservative spirit may be well engaged in reminding the church of her ancient faith, and restoring her fainting sons. Every position has its duties, and the slowly moving children of God will find their peculiar state one in which they may be eminently a blessing to the whole host.

The rear guard is a place of danger. There are foes behind us as well as before us. Attacks may come from any quarter. We read that Amalek fell upon Israel, and slew some of the hindmost of them. The experienced Christian will find much work for his weapons in aiding those poor doubting, desponding, wavering, souls, who are hindmost in faith, knowledge, and joy. These must not be left unaided, and therefore be it the business of well-taught saints to bear their standards among the hindmost. My soul, do thou tenderly watch to help the hindmost this day.

"On Knowing Ourselves" - Thomas a' Kempis

Let's just call this one a "guest post."

Since one of the focuses of "Am I Blue" is to encourage and edify others in personal introspection and spiritual development and discipleship, this posting of a particular section of Thomas a' Kempis' The Imitation of Christ seemed quite appropriate.


--On Knowing Ourselves--

We may not overtrust too much in ourselves, for we often lack grace and understanding. There is little light in us, and even this we easily lose through carelessness. Moreover, we often do not realize how blind we are. We often do evil, and we do worse in excusing ourselves. Sometimes we are moved by passion, and mistake it for zeal. we rebuke small faults in others, but overlook greater faults in ourselves. We are too quick to resent and feel what we suffer from others, but fail to consider how much others suffer from us. Whoever considers his own defects fully and honestly will find not reason to judge others harshly.

The spiritual man puts the care of his soul before all else; and whoever diligently attends his own affairs is ready to keep silence about others. You will never become interior and devout unless you refrain from your criticism of other, and pay attention to yourself. If you are wholly intent on God and yourself, you will be little affected by anything outside this. Where are you when you fail to attend yourself? And when you have occupied yoruself in countless affairs, what have you gained, if you have neglected your soul? If you really desire true peace and union with God, attend to yourself, and set aside all else.

Keep yourself free from all worldly entanglement, and you will make good progress; but if you set great value on any worldly things, it will prove a great obstacle. Let nothing be great, pleasant or desirable to you save God alone, and whatever comes of God. Regard as empty comfort all things that derive from creatures. The soul that loves God regards as worthless al things other than God. God alone is eternal and immeasurable, filling all things; He alone is the true comfort of the soul and joy of the heart.

'Spiritual Depression' Happens to Us All

If you've been a believer for any amount of time, you're familiar with the feeling.

It's like your...off, somehow. You're not connecting with God for some reason, even after you've asked Him to search your heart and reveal to you any unconfessed or secret sin. You are praying your guts out. You read your Scriptures hoping to feel real again.  Your relationships with people may be going well, but you don't feel connected to anyone. There's no reason to be in a desert but you are anyway.

And you are not alone. Not by a long shot.

It is spiritual depression, the subject of D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones' classic, "Spiritual Depression: It's Causes and Cure." And it will affect us all at one point or another. Actually, probably several points. 

A few months ago I realized something in me was...off. I couldn't explain it or understand it. It felt familiar but not. I kept thinking I had done something to get myself into this desert. There seemed to be no reason for feeling in a funk. My first sign of hope came from Scripture, specifically from the transcript of Christ's temptation in the desert in Luke 4. I noticed Jesus was "led by the Spirit in the desert." He didn't do anything to get himself there. The Holy Spirit led the Lord Himself into the desert for a specific purpose. Much of my spiritual journey in this season is shared in my recent sermon over Luke 4:1-15 at NBC this past July. 

I began to learn I was not alone in facing spiritual depression. "The fact remains," writes Lloyd-Jones, "that there are large numbers of Christian people who give the impression of being unhappy. They are cast down, their souls are 'disquieted within them', and it is because of that" the late London minister calls attention to the subject in this collection of hard-hitting, refreshing sermons.

This book has been an oasis for me.  I especially appreciate that Lloyd-Jones distinguishes that there are certain personalities who are hard on themselves, given to unhealthy instrospection. This kind of insight pervades the book. He writes,

"Some of us by nature, and by the very type to which we belong, are more given to this spiritual disease called spiritual depression than others. We belong to the same company as Jeremiah, and John the Baptist and Paul and Luther and many others. A great company! Yes, but you cannot belong to it without being unusually subject to this particular type of trial." 

Further:

"You cannot isolate the spiritual from the physical for we are body, mind and spirit. The greatest and the best Christians when they are physically weak are more prone to an attack of spiritual depression than at any other time and there are great illustrations of this in the Scriptures." 

Lloyd-Jones defines in his book an important and vital issue most Christians face but never really define or defeat because they are blinded to it. I'm thankful for this volume and give it the highest recommendation I can. 

You Are Not Special.

Recent events in friendships and ministry have prompted much thinking centered on the subject of what drives us to think we are any better than the next fella and can “get away with it.”

Smart, smart people fall for this trap all the time:

“Just once won’t hurt.”

“This is the last time, I swear. No more.”

“I understand this better than other people.”

“I can control it.”

“It won’t affect my friends.”

“My wife won’t find out.”

Oh yes. I know you, dear reader. Well enough to know that if some of these exact statements haven’t crossed your mind verbatim (which they most likely have) then the spirit of them is one with which you are at acquainted on a first-name basis.

Whether it’s too much meth, masturbation, meds, Mountain Dew, fetishism, homoeroticism, Michelob, emotional red light specials, M&M's, your modem or misappropriation, WE ARE ALL GUILTY of thinking we’re special…that we can overthrow addictions we’ve seen conquer all other takers.

“But I’m different.”

Bull.

Forget all those self-esteem workshops you got in elementary school where you sang about how unique and unrepeatable you are as a person. Your addictions don't know that tune.

You’re not ANY different. You are a human being with the same tendencies, capacities, scars, emotional needs, physical desires and aptitude for addiction as the next guy. Your poison may be different than your BFF’s (you’ll pick one corresponding to your specific personality and pain), but the outcome will be the same across both boards.

“But I’ve studied this stuff. It was my major in college. It’s my job now. I know all the signs.”

How many doctors self-medicate and become addicts? How many cops/criminologists are morally crooked? Ever heard of a porn-addict pastor? Think of your high school guidance counselors and how many divorces they’d been through.

Still think you’re the exception just because you’ve surrounded yourself with knowledge? That BA, 3.99 GPA means jack squat in this arena, pal.

"I'm offended!"

Me too! I was taught in D.A.R.E. to consider myself incredibly crunk! The truth has a way of kicking you to the curb as far as presuppositions go.

Self-Esteem Generation, listen up: You don't deserve a sno-cone after losing that account. No free Saf-T-Pop because you got a paper cut (closest you get is sucking on said lacerated finger). Your mom is not on her way to tell your boss off because he passed you over for promotion (he didn't get the memo about you being "gifted and talented"). There are no trophies or white ribbons for "participating" in life.

And as far as your dirty little secrets go...they're not any more dirty or little or secret than any other sinner's.

Now I've devastated you. What next?

“For real, just yesterday I told God this would be the last time. Ever. No going back.”

It’s a start, I guess. But let’s be honest in admitting cold turkey is never that easy. Depending on the depth of your addiction, it could take you years to thrash the habit. And it’s probably something you’ll spend a lifetime vigilantly guarding against and keeping at bay. If you just got out of drugs, awesome. But know the prediliction to them has been ingrained in you – possibly for years depending on the length and depth of your habit. That’s just the way things are this side of Heaven: we are imperfect beings in imperfect flesh. We can train our bodies for bad. And because we’re so good at working out our sin natures, old habits die hard. Very hard. You won’t achieve any lasting, true victory over your demons under your own power. Your self-control is shot unless it is steeped in Holy Spirit.

The first step in maintaining victory over any stronghold is realizing how vulnerable you are. You are not special. You have flesh crawling all over you that looks for every opportunity to destroy your spirit. And that’s the story of every human being.

Overcoming addiction and its ilk is directly related to you submitting to the fact that you’re just not that big a deal. One of the key factors in people who are mentally disturbed is their complete and utter self-absorbtion (try that one on for size…)

So get over yourself. See in the Scriptures that we’re all of us accosted and marred by sin. Just because you shut the door to shoot up and the teenage girl is beginning to show means nothing. You’re both in need of a Savior. Get over yourself, press into Christ, and start being truly exceptional in the only lasting work: furthering the Kingdom of God.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:1-10

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

I forgot how sanctifying public transportation can be. When I was a ministry associate at BYX I traveled most every other weekend (usually by plane, sometimes by car) to a different university. Those times sitting in airports waiting, riding in planes, driving for hours... those were some of the greatest, most focused times of spiritual growth I've experienced in the past three years.

Granted, I didn't spend ALL the time alone. I talked to some folks too. I mean, there was that flight to Jackson when I chatted it up with R&B singer Brandy, not realizing it was her until a little girl asked for an autograph at the baggage claim. But when it comes down to it, I'm more of a Neal Page (Steve Martin) than a Dell Griffin (John Candy) when it comes to planes, trains, and automobiles. Chalk it up to temperament.

I don't travel nearly as regularly anymore. Just my short commute to NBC. But the other night I decided to take the train from Fort Worth to Plano to see one of my best friends. We've been meeting up semi-regularly for dinner since we both graduated from OU and moved to the DFW metroplex...it's just that we live on opposing sides of the 'plex, so getting together takes some commitment. This time it took the form of a two-hour train ride to and from. But it was a refreshing time of sitting with Jesus, Martin Lloyd-Jones' Spiritual Depression, and my iPod. Melancholy's thrive on introspection and there's fewer better places to do so than solitary plane, train, and automobile rides.

I'm glad I don't have to ride the TRE or DART every day. But my little journey the other evening yielded amazing results: I got to spend some great time with God, I met a delightful older Christian couple (who'd spent the day touring the art museums in Fort Worth) and got to share with them about the ministry of BYX and my thoughts of discipleship. And, of course, there was Steve-O, who is that side-by-side friend from whom I receive such great encrouagement and love whenever we meet or talk.

Sufficeit to say, I'm very much looking forward to my next train ride. And who says I have to have a set destination? What if I just went for the round trip? Five bucks ain't bad for some focused time with the Lord. And intense people watching.

Student of the Human Heart

"If we will observe the relationships that go on between human beings, we will receive a graduate-level education."

--Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline, p. 74.

The study of "non-verbal" books, as Richard Foster would call them, has been a theme of my life. I am fascinated by the human condition; that is, why we do the things we do, our facets, our personalities, our fallen state, our contradictions, our desires, our inherent need of a Savior, etc.

Foster is correct in that being observant of the lives surrounding us as well as those found in history and literature provides incredible insight. Great wisdom can come from experience tempered with a Biblical worldview.

I find support of this type of study in the wisdom of Solomon. From Proverbs 24:30-34:
I passed by the field of a sluggard,
by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,
and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns;
the ground was covered with nettles,
and its stone wall was broken down.
Then I saw and considered it;
I looked and received instruction.
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest,
and poverty will come upon you like a robber,
and want like an armed man.
(emphasis mine)

In the same vein, the book of Ecclesiastes is Solomon's own confessional autobiography in which he shares his personal reflections on life and all he has observed and experienced; the godly and the fallen. Great impetus for us to make the study of the human heart a top priority to practice.

I am reminded as I write of an earlier blog very much in spirit with this. Linked here are a few meditations of mine on how learning from others' poor examples has allowed me to avoid some pitfalls of my own: Mistakes Not Taken, Scars Not Received

Don't Run Red Lights Because You're Afraid of Facing Yourself for a Minute

"We are all in such a hurry, we want everything at once. We believe that all truth can be stated in a few minutes. The answer to that is that it cannot, and the reason why so many today are living superficial Christian lives is because they will not take time to examine themselves."

--D. Martyn Lloyd Jones, 'Spiritual Depression' p. 12

Knowing and Being Known

It all started the morning of February 26 with Psalm 44:21, For he knows the secrets of the heart. That truth just cut me up. It ached. And the onslaught continued for many mornings afterward because of the living and active Sword "which pierces the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart (Hebrews 4:12) :

Romans 2:26b, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus.
Matthew 23:26, "First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean."
Psalm 69:5, O God, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you.
Mark 4:22, "For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light."
1 Corinthians 10:12, Therefore, let anyone who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.
Psalm 90:8, You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.

Over these past months, these passages have provoked both intense pain AND incredible joy my soul because I've been reminded my God knows me THAT well. It has been a true realization to me as I've had shown to me some sins of selfishness I'd been harboring for a while and maybe didn't even realize it ("secret sin" can be that which is intentionally hidden and that which is unintentional, but it's all still sin).

So I've been on a road to being obedient in admitting these to God, myself, as well as brothers and sisters from whom it is right to seek forgiveness. In much the same way as mentioned above, it stings AND relieves to know I have those people in my life who know me well enough (in some cases, better than I know myself) to call me out when I'm being a jerk or worse. Jenny is one. Greg is another. Man, they call me on the carpet and they're usually spot on.

If you feel there is a disconnect with the Lord, you need to check your end by asking Him to reveal to you any unconfessed intentional or unintentional sin. Go to the Bible (perhaps a few of the above passages) asking Him to use the Word to convict you. It's uncomfortable, but growth and change always are. When that sin is revealed confess it to Him (use Psalm 51), knowing that when "we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and PURIFY us from ALL unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Ahh. It doesn't get more refreshing than that!

Pray for people to hold you to an unwavering biblical standard. We all long to know others deeply and be known ourselves. The Lord Jesus Christ does this for us. He gave us a letter in the Bible that can read our thoughts and intentions backward and forward, revealing our very hearts. He's placed the ability in godly men and women to apply that Word to do the same. Even David, the "man after God's own heart," was called out of his sin with Bathsheba by God's man, Nathan.

Thank God for His correction through His Word and His children! May you be blessed by His knowing your inmost feelings and intentions yet still loving you. May God place great men and women in your life by whom you can be known and know in return.

Somebody Chose to Love Their Way into My World

Saw this in class today. It really touched me because I am the son of two of the most amazing teachers and coaches I know.

I saw many parallels to discipleship in this vignette.

Remember: It's all about loving your way into someone's world with a compassion that could only be fueled by Christ.

http://makeadifferencemovie.com/

Stones

Joshua 4:8-9
And the people of Israel did just as Joshua commanded and took up twelve stones out of the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of people of Israel, just as the Lord told Joshua...and Joshua set up twelve stones in the midst of the Jordan, in the place where the feet of the priests bearing the ark of the covenant had stood: and they are there to this day.

This above passage takes place as the Israelites are completing their 40-year sojourn through the wilderness and entering the Promised Land. To mark the occasion, so that no one may forget what God has done for them, the Lord commands a monument of 12 stones be erected.

The theme of setting up "stones" to remind myself of what great works God has done in my life has been recurring in my heart consistently since Christmas. I'm sentimental, but I don't think overly so. I mean, when I move, I don't have a super-difficult time getting rid of what needs to go. Pull it out of the box. Have the memory. Move on....unless it's a stone. I mean a REAL stone. Not those fake things we haul around and rent storage buildings for unheard-of prices to hold on to. I'm talking about the GOOD STUFF.

I've given thought to what these stones may be for me. In my case, starting at the top (those which are not as strong, but still of import) to the bottom (those stones which are cornerstones) I would first offer up the physical objects. In my office hang my journalism degree from OU, my President's Leadership Class Award, my Outstanding Senior Journalist plaque, along with my ministry license and baptism certificate.
I don't look at these and see Jared-achievement. I see them as markers of grace God has given me. Each of these represents a goal God gave me, in some form or fashion, and the working toward achieving that goal, and the goodness of God in giving me the strength to do so; with exception of the baptism certificate, which is meant to symbolize a very special day in the life of 8-year-old Jared, and his current-26-year-old counterpart who still thrills at what Christ has done for Him and strives daily in His strength to be obedient.
They were all special times because God was in them every step of the way. So I am humbled when I see them, and love telling people how God has guided my education and spiritual formation.

My books are next. The important ones like Lectures to My Students, Les Miserables, Chosen By God, When I Don't Desire God: How To Fight For Joy, Organic Disciplemaking, Systematic Theology, Gates of Fire, to name a few. These books and their shelf-companions are my friends and some of the best teachers I've ever had.

There are also the photos. Of family. Of friends. These speak of the blessing of people in my life. Those who've changed me for the better. Who've changed me for good. I love pictures. They're little pieces of time you can hold in your hand...just don't smudge!

So much better than the novels and other books there's my journal passages and Bible underlines, scribbled notes, and highlighters marking my growth in grace and knowledge of the Word under the Spirit's guidance. I sometimes just go back and read through an old journal or see a note or underline in my Bible and I'm transported back to when my pen first hit that page. I remember what it felt like to struggle, love, doubt, pray, and trust like I did.
You need to journal. If you don't, please start. It's not as hard a discipline as you might think. Make some stones with your pen strokes to remember the greatness of God at all points of your life.

But at the base.... the greatest stone markers of my life are the people. They go along with the photo idea, but the real people are so much better than ink-jetted glossy paper. The men and women God has guided in shaping me are, ultimately, those for whom I will stand before God and give account and praise and honor for how I loved and treated and grew alongside.
People-Stones are the best, because they're each and every one huggable and conversational and a phone call or memory away. These stones have names: Dad, Mom, Jenny, Jenna, Tyler, Austin, Mr. Singleton, "Greggie", Joe, Chris, Steven...
Oh, I could go on. These stones have supported me and spoken truth into my life, each and every one. Without these, I would not be the man writing before you now. They've each loved me and allowed me to love them deeply. For that I will never have sufficient words.

So there's some of my stones? What are yours?

Mistakes Not Taken, Scars Not Received

I've thought a lot lately about mistakes. Not the ones I've made today or last week or even a few years back, though there have been plenty. 

More like mistakes not taken. The kind I tried to convince myself into taking back in high school, mostly, where even though you knew it'd all end badly, you wanted to "be bad" and do it anyway. 

Riiiight. Me be bad.

Well this is to let you know I sure thought about it. Often. 

There, I said it and sent it out into the virtual void. 

This line of realization began nearly a month ago as I was sharing my testimony with someone who's becoming a close friend. I mentioned a few of the mistakes not taken from my later high school years...one in particular that another guy took before I got the chance. My friend observed, "It's almost like he made the mistake for you." And the truth is he did. 

So why was I spared? I meet so many people whose mistakes have cost them dearly. So many who've had their lives altered, perhaps even deeply wounded by the mistakes they've made. I feel my life has been altered because of scars not received from mistakes I might have made if only given the chances, which, thank God I didn't feel I had at the time. 

In fact, that's the story of the Christian life. All true believers are changed because of scars not received. Christ took our sin and scars upon Himself. And by His wounds we are healed. Each of us, no matter the mistakes we've made and the disfigurements we've inflicted on our lives are received into utter cleanliness and purity through belief in Christ. That's a truth that NEVER gets old to me, but it's being renewed afresh tonight. 

Just as I can't boast in my own salvation but in the Provider and Commencer of that salvation, in a smaller measure I can't boast that I was somehow smarter than everyone else in avoiding some of the pitfalls of puberty. It's just that God in His grace wouldn't let me get very far. 

Before you think I'm some pious braggart, let me assure you this is a comprehension that's cut me to my core. I don't think I was smarter than anyone else and somehow saw through a bunch of the traps, deftly avoiding while others dropped headlong. I only think God, for some reason and apart from anything I ever deserved, let me learn from other people's mistakes. This was a grace, pure and plain. But I didn't deserve it. And my heart breaks even now when I think of those whose sin got the best of them. I pray the Word I sewed then has taken root since, or that somehow they have been led to Christ. What I deserved was to screw up my life any way my mucky mind could come have come up with. I feel I've had what pride I've got in me destroyed this evening and been made thankful for grace again. 

I hope I can keep learning this way; that somehow my mistakes will be minimal. I pray for that kind of wisdom. 

But bad mistakes...I've made a few and I'll keep making some. But my prayer tonight is one of great humility before a loving God for granting me a grace in my growing-up years that I didn't deserve. He still gives me that grace. And I only pray He'd keep growing me in discipline and wisdom and love. That He'd keep my heart open to advice from the godly. 

Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day. 

---Proverbs 23:17